[Chorus Vocalizing]
[Woman Singing Christmas Carol]
[Continues]
[Chorus Vocalizing]
[Woman Continues]
He's not there. I'll take it.
[Ends]
# [Up-tempo Folk]
# It's a jungle out there
# Disorder and confusion everywhere
# No one seems to care
# Well, I do Hey, who's in charge here
# It's a jungle out there
# Poison in the very air we breathe
# Do you know what's in the water that you drink, well, I do
# And it's amazing
# People think I'm crazy 'cause I worry all the time
# If you paid attention you'd be worried too
# You better pay attention or this world we love so much
# Might just kill you
# I could be wrong now
# But I don't think so
# 'Cause it's a jungle out there
# It's a jungle out there
Terry, hey. That's not straight. The left side's too low.
It's good enough. No, it's not. Adrian Monk is coming.
Aw, hell. Okay. Captain.
Yep? I took a message. Your wife called.
She said her mother's sick and she won't be able to make it tonight.
Her mother's... Well, that's too bad.
And these are the duty rosters for next week. You have to sign them.
Thank you, Alice. You looking forward to our little party?
Uh, I guess so. How late do these things usually go?
Last year, Karen and I left at about 2:30 a.m., and Terry... Detective Chasen...
was still standing on a table in his boxer shorts singing "Help Me, Rhonda" in Spanish.
- That's a lie. I don't speak Spanish. - Oh, yes, you do.
Oh, and, uh, this came for you. Someone dropped it off at the front desk.
"Captain Leland Stottlemeyer."
"Captain Stottlemeyer, thank you for your business. Eastwood Auto Supply."
You know what this is, Alice? This is a bribe.
Somebody is trying to influence public policy, and I think it might work.
[Guitar]
[Continues]
Hey, uh, I was just, uh, tuning it up for you.
Nice guitar. It's Karen's.
You, uh, gonna play tonight? We'll see how it goes.
You know, I could run home and grab my Gibson, and we could jam.
I used to have a rock band back in high school. The Randy Disher Project.
That's a good name. How'd you come up with that?
Oh, well, my name's Randy Disher,
and then... Project.
You know, Randy, I don't really jam. I'm more of an old folkie kind of guy.
That's cool. That's cool too. I mean, I can just sing harmony.
Good. Ooh, hey, what'd you get?
Oh, this is, uh, from the body shop down the street.
Oh, hell, it's port. I hate port.
I love port.
Uh, you know, I think I'll bring it home for Karen.
Oh, does she like port? It's kind of an acquired taste. I like port.
A lot of people don't. Randy, I'm taking it home.
[Natalie] Mr. Monk, it's 8:30! I'm ready when you are.
- How is your side looking? - So far, my side is perfect.
- What's wrong? - Is it beautiful?
Is what beautiful? Snow.
You've never seen snow?
Oh, it's very beautiful.
No two flakes are the same.
But somehow, it's still beautiful.
Mr. Monk, come on! We gotta go! Where's your present?
It's in the, uh, hallway.
Sweetie, are you sure you're okay with Mr. Monk being here?
Yeah, it's okay, Mom. That's what Christmas is all about, right? Helping people.
Yes. Who's that for?
Oh, this one is from Trudy. It's for me.
From Trudy? Yeah. After she died, I found it.
Every Christmas, I put it under the tree.
You never open it? Nope.
What's that one? This is for Captain Stottlemeyer.
I picked his name. Everybody picked a name out of a hat.
Whoever you got, you're their Secret Santa, and you have to buy them a present.
- What'd you get him? - All I can tell you is that he's gonna love it.
It's gonna be a great party. I'm not completely dreading it.
That's the spirit! Okay, lock up. [Kisses]
Have a good night. Don't wait up.
[Door Closes]
[Chattering] [Instrumental Christmas Carol]
Hey! Hey.
Oh, nice sweater. Thanks. It's a gift from my Aunt Kay in Boston.
She knitted it herself. Wow.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, she said it took her months. I'm her favorite nephew.
I'm sure you are. I'll be right back, okay?
Hey! Merry Christmas.
You two cousins?
Where'd you get that? Wal-Mart. Fifteen bucks.
Aunt Kay probably went to Wal-Mart and saw that sweater and went home and knitted me the same one.
That sweater inspired this one. You can still see where she tore the tag off.
It's the thought that counts.
[Continues]
Alice. Hello, Adrian. Merry Christmas.
I haven't seen you around lately.
L-l-I don't go out much during the holidays.
It's so depressing, because I'm alone.
I don't have to tell you. I mean, you're not married, right?
You don't have anyone. That's true.
It's tough, especially for people our age.
[Guitar]
# O holy night The stars are brightly shining
# It is the night of our dear savior's birth
# Long lay the world in sin and sorrow pining
# Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth
# The thrill ofhope the weary world rejoices
# For lon... yonder breaks A new and glorious morn
[Both] # Fall on your knees
# O hear the angel voices
# O night divine
# O night when Christ was born
# O night, O ni-i-ight
# O holy night
That was good. Thank you. [Cheering]
Thank you.
Okay, excuse me, everybody. It's almost midnight.
So it's time for all you Secret Santas to go get your presents.
Captain. Hey.
Well, merry Christmas. Oh, you got me.
It's a... It's an air purifier. For your house.
Are you saying my house smells?
Not your house.
But houses... like yours...
sometimes get a, um, odor...
that's, uh, you know, sour...
or-or-or very unpleasant kind of stench of...
Not your house. Thank you.
Thank you, Monk. All right?
[Mutters, Chuckles]
Merry Christmas. Thank you. Merry Christmas to you.
Do you, um, know what eBay is? EBay? No.
Good. I'm your Secret Santa.
Oh. Alice, thank you. Oh.
Merry Christmas.
Uh... Oh, it's a funny card.
Yes, it is. You can tell because of the exclamation points.
- Well... - What'd you get?
Oh. Oh, my God.
Alice... [Laughing]
This I love. Good. [Mutters]
Geez! Are you okay?
The present that I bought for Terry, do you know what happened to it?
No. What was it? A little, uh, hair-trimmer thing.
It was this big. I wrapped it myself.
Did you check your briefcase? Well, yeah.
Why don't you give him one of these toys from your desk?
No, he's been in this office a million times. He'll know I recycled it.
But what about...
Does he like port?
I think so.
[Chattering Continues]
Merry Christmas, my friend.
You like port? Oh, I love it.
Excellent! All right. Hey!
Thanks, Captain. Good deal.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you.
[Man] Merry Christmas.
[Groaning] Terry?
Terry! [Gasping]
Oh! Terry!
Terry! Hey. Hey, hey!
Buddy! Terry! Terry!
Hey! Hey, call an ambulance! John! John, call it in!
- [People Chattering] - What happened?
What'd he say? It's still preliminary.
What did he say, Randy? Poison.
Some kind of strychnine. Simple and effective.
- Anybody could have made it. - Couldn't he have tasted it?
- Port's a pretty heavy drink, isn't it? - It's really strong.
He wouldn't taste it in that. Captain, they need the body.
Yeah.
This was meant for me. There but for the grace of God.
This was meant for me.
"The grace of God."
Captain, I'm really so sorry.
He was only 38 years old, right?
Was he married? No, I think they were separated.
No. They're back together. I just talked toJenny.
They got two little girls. Twins.
Is this the card that came with the bottle? Yeah.
Nobody saw who delivered it?
It was sitting at the front desk. Anybody could have dropped it off there.
I'm so sorry. It was my idea for the gift exchange, the Secret Santa.
- Alice, you can't blame yourself. - Well, I just woke upJohn DeSilva.
He owns the body shop. He says they never send gifts or liquor.
He offered to come down and take a poly, but it feels like a dead end.
Whoever sent it knew you did business with them.
That narrows it down, right? Mmm.
Exclusive parts supplier for the S.F.P.D.
It's on all their ads. Anybody could have seen it.
Okay, let's get to it. I've, uh, narrowed it down to five possible suspects.
People who may have had a grudge, people you arrested...
- It was Frank Prager. - Yes, sir. Frank's on the list.
He's number one. Who's Prager?
Ayear ago, the captain shot and killed a bank robber named Mike Prager.
Frank's his brother. A few months ago, he tried to settle the score.
He came at me in a parking lot.
He got off five rounds, and he missed.
- He got away. - Disappeared. And it looks like he missed again.
- All right. Why don't we each take a name? - Lieutenant, you're wasting your time. I'm telling you, it's Frank Prager.
All right. How about this?
How about we split up into two teams? Your team gets Prager.
My team will take the rest of the list.
Okay. Hmm. Let's see.
What are you doing? I'm picking my team.
I'll take, uh... I'll take Monk.
No, I'll take Monk.
Okay, uh, I'll take Natalie.
Oh, I can't. Julie's waiting for me at home.
Fine. Um, I'll take, uh...
You'll take Robbins. Meet us back here at noon.
I'll take Robbins. Let's go.
Four months ago... It was a Tuesday night.
I came out of the bar, 2:00 a.m.
They took my keys, so I'm walking home.
I was alone. I was pretty toasted.
And that streetlight was on, 'cause I could still see.
And he was waiting. He was by...
There was a big, black van here. He was waiting behind it. Uh, must have been here all night.
He steps out. I'm standing right about where you are now.
I knew who it was right away. It was Frank Prager, and he wanted me dead.
I could see it in his eyes.
He aims a Glock 17 at my head, caps off five rounds,
and then...
Then he disappeared.
Until last night.
He was only 12 feet away with a streetlight behind him.
It's not a hard shot.
You said he was a veteran, special ops? Yeah.
Maybe he was as toasted as me.
Or maybe it was a miracle. Maybe it was.
And they just left the bullet holes there.
Well, it's probably good for business at this place.
It adds to the mystique. But this pattern does not look random.
Two, one, two. He had a Glock 17.
He could have fired 20 rounds. He only squeezed off five?
Two, one, two. Monk, it doesn't matter.
He's given up on guns. The guy's graduated to strychnine.
It's a different M.O. He's special ops, remember?
Those guys know a hundred different ways to kill somebody.
Look, Prager wants me dead.
I'm the guy that shot his brother.
He's married, right, with a daughter? Yeah. Cute kid, seven years old.
Is he in touch with them? Well, we staked out the house for a couple of weeks,
but he never called or showed his face.
Well, let's check it out. Maybe he's home for Christmas.
Monk, l-l-I can't go near the place.
The, uh, wife filed a complaint against me, said that I had been harassing her.
Why would she say that? Uh, probably because I've been harassing her.
What? She's never seen you.
[Sighs] God, how much longer?
Natalie, this is a stakeout. You never know how long.
That's what makes a stakeout so much fun.
Oh, you wanna play 20 questions?
Sure. Okay. All right. You can go first.
You have to think of somebody, anybody, living or dead.
Okay, I've got it. Uh...
Is it Trudy?
Trudy who? Trudy Monk. Your wife!
Yes. Thank you.
That was fun.
So, Mr. Monk, what do you want for Christmas?
A miracle. Yeah? I could use one of those.
Julie hates it here because it never snows.
She's been praying for this white Christmas.
It hasn't snowed in San Francisco in nine years.
The last time it snowed was the day Trudy died.
Hmm.
Oh, my God! I can't stand it. Let's just go up there and knock on the door. And say what?
[Both] # Silent night, holy night
# All is calm, all is bright
# Round yon virgin mother and child
It's dripping. It's supposed to drip.
# Holy infant so tender and mild
# Sleep in heavenly peace
# Sleep in heavenly...
Ow! [Sighs] Merry Christmas.
We get carolers all the time. Usually there's a whole group.
Right. We started with a big crowd. We had a group. A big group.
Bob, Paul, Sue... Big crowd. And, um, we had, um...
But then we lost them somehow. Yeah.
And, uh, dropped out. They just... Yeah, they just left.
- What... What happened? - Creative differences.
They really weren't comfortable with religious material.
Just wanted to do a whole, whole different thing. Like a Vegas style.
Just glittery... We were not...
Not into it. But we wish them well.
Yeah. Can I use your bathroom? Show business is a...
Yeah. Sure. Come on in.
- Are you Dori? - How did you know?
Um, well, your daddy told me.
- Do you know my daddy? - In a way.
Yeah, I've been looking for him. Do you know where he is?
- Shh. It's a secret. - It's a secret? Okay, I won't tell anybody.
[Mother] What are you doing? Um, I was...
Are you a cop?
- Okay, look, here's the thing... - Go to your room.
I want you out. Just get out of my house.
Haven't you people done enough to this family?
That went well.
Okay, hold on. Hold on. Do we have a plan? Well, no.
I need to talk to the little girl again, just for a minute.
She knows something. I'm telling you. Who are all these people?
These folks have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas.
Yeah, which is what? Which is leaving me alone.
Well, I love it. I love everything about it. The crowds, the shopping, the decorations.
And the fact that it's horrible doesn't bother you?
Oh, my gosh! I can't believe he's still here.
Who's here? Mr. Preston. I used to work here.
Wait a minute. How many jobs have you had? It was just after high school.
It was a summer thing. I worked at the information booth, but only lasted for three weeks.
What happened? Oh, Mr. Preston liked me a lot.
A little too much. Well, I've never had that problem.
Ooh. [Laughs]
I'll be right back. Where are you going?
- I'm gonna go find Mr. Preston. He owes me a favor. - What kind of favor?
Who's waiting to see Santa Claus?
[Children Cheering]
Well, you're in luck, because guess who just landed straight from the North Pole?
[Together] Santa Claus!
[Children Cheering, Applauding]
[Cheering Continues]
[Children] Santa!
[Boy] Hi, Santa. How are you today?
[Camera Shutters Clicking]
- Ho, ho, ho. - [Children Cheering]
[Cheering Continues]
Shh! Okay, everybody, listen up, okay?
We have some new rules here in Santa's workshop.
Before anybody can sit on Santa's lap,
you have to use these magic wipes and wipe your hands.
Yeah! Wiping is fun!
And no touching Santa's face.
And try not to breathe on Santa.
Remember, Santa isn't always jolly.
Sometimes Santa's a little bit sad.
Okay? Who's first?
No, no, no. Just stand... stand over there. Have you been a good boy?
Have you? He's got to sit on your lap. You're Santa Claus.
I don't think so. He has to sit on your lap. Here, jump up.
No, no, no. Okay, th-th-that's too close. Yep! Get up!
All right. On the knee then. The knee there.
A little further. Just a little further there. That's good.
Now he's squirming. Santa doesn't like the squirmers. He's a kid.
I love you, Santa.
What is she... What's she doing?
- She wants a kiss. - Uh, no.
No, no, sorry. No good. No, that's... You're done.
[Coughing] Okay, that's it.
You're done. Wait. But I made a list.
Yeah, good. Mail it to me, okay? You're done.
All I want for Christmas is a rock-polishing kit.
A rock-polishing kit?
You're Santa's favorite.
What's your name? Trudy.
Are you okay? [Sobs]
It's just that my wife's name was Trudy.
She was killed by a car bomb.
It was under the passenger's seat.
The... The whole car exploded, and...
[Sobbing, Muttering]
Okay, you're done. You're done.
Ho, ho, ho. Just go.
And what's your name? Dori.
Dori. That's a pretty name. I bet I know what you want for Christmas.
You want your daddy to come home.
And I wanna help you, but I have a problem.
I just can't find him.
Do you know where he is? In a church.
He lives in a church?
With the three ladies out front.
Three ladies.
Daddy!
That's him. It's Prager.
- Natalie! - Frank, they're cops!
Oh! Whoa!
Clear.
Monk was right. He's in there. Three ladies out front.
That's all we needed. Yes, sir.
He's been living in there since September in a room in the basement.
He's going by the name Brad Elliot. I don't give a rat's ass what he calls himself.
Let's go get him. Cover the back.
Tell the snipers we're going in on my signal. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
There's a nun in there.
She won't leave.
A nun? Sounded nice.
I mean, she had a... a "nunny" quality. [Stammers]
What does she want, Randy? She just wants to talk to you.
She's afraid you're gonna rough him up.
Aw... S-Stand down.
All right. Stand down.
No, no. Stay put. Hold your positions.
Stand down. Hold your positions.
Captain Stottlemeyer? I'm Sister Heather. Yeah?
Hi, Sister. Uh, you know why I'm here, right? Yes.
He's here. He's in the sanctuary.
He's very frightened. You think he tried to murder you?
Yes, ma'am, I do. You obviously have very strong feelings about this.
You're god... Yes, I do.
I just wanna make sure that Brad isn't mistreated.
Brad's not his name. You're right.
I don't know his real name, but I know the man. He's been working in our outreach program.
He's been feeding the hungry and the homeless every night.
When they're too tired to come here, he brings the food to them. Maybe he has a guilty conscience.
Well, any conscience at all is a rare thing these days.
What do you want, Captain?
I want justice.
Well, he's afraid that you want something else.
He's afraid you and the other policemen want... Revenge.
My father once taught me an important lesson.
There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.
Your father. He's your father too.
Okay, look, I promise you that I will not hurt him.
Okay.
Frank, there is a clinic next to the church.
They have drugs. They have chemicals.
Did you have access to the storage room?
Um, I mean, I didn't have a key or anything,
but it would have been easy enough to break in.
I didn't poison anybody. I'm not a killer.
Oh, right. What about our last date in the parking lot four months ago?
I wasn't trying to kill you. You can't be serious.
All right. I thought about it.
When I got there, I couldn't.
I didn't wanna become my brother. At the last minute, I decided to send you a message.
A message. Oh, my God.
Captain, the pattern was an "M. '" "M'"for Michael.
Yeah, it was an "M. '" How could you miss it?
Oh, well, how was I supposed to know that was the letter "M"?
This guy's the best detective in the free world.
He didn't know that was an "M."
What, you couldn't use a spray can like everybody else?
Oh, for God's sake. A message.
I just wanted you to think about what you did!
Michael was a good kid who got screwed up.
Wait. You think I don't think about your brother?
I think about your brother every damn day of my life.
It was him or me, and it still eats me up.
I don't need an "M" on a wall to remember something like that.
No cop does.
Get him outta here.
[Man] Let's go.
[Sighs] God, Captain, you gotta read this.
This is from the journal he kept while he was in that church.
He feels terrible about what he did. Look at this one part.
It made me cry. He can't see it.
Yeah... No, I know, Natalie. He's not the guy, all right?
Okay, moving on. Lieutenant, you said there were four other suspects who might have had a motive.
Actually, we struck out.
One's deceased, one's in the hospital, and, uh, two are back in prison.
Okay, so it wasn't Frank Prager. It's nobody on your list.
- Who sent me that bottle of wine? - And will they try again?
- To kill you, I mean. - I know what you mean, Lieutenant.
Mmm. Mom.
What? [Laughing]
No, look. See? It looks good.
[Laughing] Okay. And you need one too.
Oh, okay. I'll set it right there.
Okay, okay. And this... [Laughs] Is from Mr. Monk.
You didn't have to get me anything. But thanks.
Don't tear... Mmm. [Mutters]
- A first-aid kit. - That is the hot gift this year.
It's the Cadillac of first-aid kits.
I'm talking about 100 feet of gauze, five different ointments and a tourniquet.
Now, that tourniquet... That's great. We're gonna look at that later.
Because this is from both of us.
Careful, though. It's fragile.
Oh. Oh, no.
Oh.
It's alive. It's a living thing. Is it gonna die?
Well, not for a long, long, long time.
- But it will die eventually. - It's a friend!
A friend who'll die. It's a little friend to keep you company.
A dying friend. Look. Look at it. It's just twitching.
It's turning left, then it swims right.
It's zigzagging! Can't we train it?
Yeah, we can train it to swim clockwise.
- And I can show you how to feed this. Oh. - Oh. Okay, wait. Stay there.
It's okay. I'll get it. With my new broom.
Just wait.
[Laughing] Okay, let's see it.
[Chattering] Oh!
That's adorable. [Chattering Continues]
Think it'll fit you? I think it will.
[Knocking]
Captain. [Stottlemeyer] Merry Christmas, Alice.
May we come in?
[Alice] So what's going on?
Uh, Monk thinks that he knows who tried to kill me, uh, during the Christmas party.
I thought it was Frank Prager. No, it wasn't Prager.
- In fact, it wasn't anybody. - Nobody tried to kill the captain.
That was a trick to throw us off track.
Terry Chasen was the target from the beginning.
Alice, we know you and Terry were involved. We've got phone records, credit cards.
You were together for about six months. Seven.
- Seven months. - Was it because he went back to his wife? That's why you killed him?
Alice, we know how you did it.
The Christmas gift exchange was your idea.
It was easy to make sure that the captain picked Terry's name.
[Stottlemeyer] Yeah, I remember. I was the last one to choose, and there was one name left.
[Monk] The day of the party, you brought a poisoned bottle into the office.
You dropped it off at the front desk. It was addressed to Captain Stottlemeyer.
[Stottlemeyer] And you know I don't drink port.
[Monk] And at some point, probably during the party,
you snuck into the captain's office, and you stole the gift that he had brought in for Terry.
[Natalie] When the captain couldn't find it, you suggested replacing it with the bottle.
The poisoned bottle. [Monk] It was like a magician doing a sleight ofhand.
You had everybody looking the wrong way.
It was... brilliant.
[Timer Ringing]
Excuse me.
Alice.
Alice, where is the poison?
You know, if you threw it away, we'll find traces of it. You know that.
It's in the basement.
How did you know? Natalie.
This is the card and the envelope that came with the whisk broom.
Which, by the way, I've been using. It really is fantastic.
But the card is a little too big. See?
You had to fold it over.
This card came with the poisoned bottle.
It's too small.
- Alice, you mixed them up. - I mixed them up.
And I'm usually so organized.
I couldn't.
I just couldn't live without him.
[Sighs]
I got him. Thanks.
I talked to the D.A. She's gonna offer you a deal.
Eight months, plus time served on the assault.
Think about it.
And you can decide when you get back.
Where am I going?
You are released on your own recognizance for two days.
Now, I am responsible for you, so don't make me regret it.
Go home.
[Man Singing Christmas Carol]
Aren't you curious? No. I love not knowing.
Oh, my God! Come on! [Laughing]
Julie, sweetie, what is it?
[Screams, Laughs]
It's a white Christmas!
It's your white Christmas! Yeah! I'm gonna go get my camera.
[Yells] I'm gonna get my coat!
You okay?
Merry Christmas, Mr. Monk. [Chuckling]
[Continues]
[Ends]